Some Things are Better Left Unsaid
by La Salle De Bain
Summary: [crack] Al was always a little weird.
1. comin' clean

**A/N**: Welcome. ;D This story is only a few chapters long, and is the result of no air-conditioning. Seriously; living in England can be a bitch sometimes. I personally think fan fiction should be used for fans to express their outlooks on certain characters—and when it comes to MY fics, I do just that...and you can probably tell. Oh, and it's my birthday, so WHEE.

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Edward Elric—the badass. Everything went his way. Short and hot. He owned an Angelina Jolie-shaped pillow, and his idol was Cher. 

Alphonse Elric—the wimp. Bitchy, prissy, and whiny. He'd be the first in line for a cat convention if they existed. He still believed girls had cooties, aside the fact he was suit in a hideous suit of armor.

Judging from this, you'd probably know who wore the pants in this, er, brothership.

Whenever the two met someone new, Ed would introduce Al as his brainless, flamboyant "assistant"—meaning the one who brought him jelly-filled donuts every morning. Whenever the brothers played tag, Ed would slip into Al (note the empty suit of armor) with a pack of Crayolas and scribble rainbow-colored profanities on Al's insides—he'd go inside, of course, if it wasn't already full of digested kitty litter.

So, thus, a combination of THIS from his brother, along with not being hugged as a child messed with poor Alphonse's head. You'd think Ed would've taken the news normally, and just brush it aside as he did Al's yearly Christmas cards.

…_Right_?

"Brother," Al groaned one morning across the breakfast table. Ed didn't look up, snorting at the comics section of his newspaper.

"_Brooootheeeer_," Al droned on.

"What?" Ed snapped, giving Al a glare over the paper.

"We need to talk."

Ed let out something of a grunt, throwing his newspaper onto the floor. "_Look_—if it's about the toaster, I already said I was SORRY—"

"_No_. Not _that_. Could you just listen to me for a second? Whenever I look at you, it's like—UGH! It's like every single shiny, reflecting object within your grasp is used as a MIRROR for yourself!"

Ed's jaw dropped as he looked up from the back of his cereal spoon. "_Not_ true!"

Al took a deep breath. "Okay, Ed…Remember when I said I got that job?"

"No."

"Well, yeah—I told you."

"_WELL_, I wasn't listening. You _know _I don't like being disturbed during my cleansing hours."

"…Urgh." FACEPALM.

"Aren't you supposed to be _explaining_ something to me?" Ed muttered, randomly whipping out a nail-filer and picking at his cuticles. "Geez."

"Like I was _saying_," Al growled, "I _did_ get a job. You're always out and about, so I decided to get one—we do have BILLS, you know."

"Wait." Ed stopped filing. "Then WHO'S been hanging out with me at the HQ then? I could've sworn _you_ were there."

Al sweatdropped, rubbing the back of his head. "I sort of made Winry dress up and me and take my place…"

"Oh." Ed continued filing. "That explains the constant groping."

"…"

Ed waved a hand. "Proceed."

"Um, so I never DID tell you where the job was, did I?"

"Nah—at least I don't think so. It's probably something dorky that'll make you lose the few fans you have, right? Pfft—_Burger _King, or something. Or Petco. Hey, y'know what I heard? That Mustang got his subordinates there. On sale." He took a gulp of his apple juice. "_Hardcore_, I tell you."

Al inhaled. "I had those places in mind, but…"

"But _what_?"

"...I chose something else…"

"Super-dee-duper!" Ed cheered mockingly. "Tell me what it is, before I give you a knuckle sammich."

"It's a…_a_…"

"…?"

"…A tranny bar."

_Wrong_ time for Ed to choose to take another swig of his juice.

Said juice came sputtering out of Ed's mouth like he was some sick, muscular sprinkler. His arms flailed in every direction, as Al literally just _sat_ there and watched the gnome that was his brother spaz out.

"_YOU_," Ed began, "_ARE _SUCH_ A FREAK_—"

"Like father, like son!"

"What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?"

"Well, uh…! I don't know; you're just a moron."

"At least I'm not a closet TRANSSEXUAL! I mean, I knew you were into cats, but not in like…_that _way." Ed shuddered.

"Oh, shut up! My job OWNS your job, Mr. I'm-so-damn-small-and-freakin'-petite-I-have-to-wear-some-stupid-leather-outfit-even-though-it's-like-a-bigillion-degrees-outside—or shall I say, MISS."

"LOOK who's talking! I'm not the one who wants to BE a girl! And here I thought that purple THING around your waist was some sort of manly loincloth!"

"You just don't understand," Al hissed. "We need more money—the Colonel pays you in FRENCH FRIES, for God's sake! I just thought taking up a job and earning a few bucks would be responsible…_and_ would increase my fanservice. _Winry_ thought it was a good idea—"

"WINRY?" spat Ed. "Al. Seriously. What have I told you about her? _She's wrong in the head!_ Don't you recall slipping Clorox into her drinks when we were kids?"

"Ed! This job is everything I have right now! With _you_ gone all the time, I have so much free time. And think about THIS—it was either work in a tranny bar, or become a prostitute."

"Did Winry's clan have an opening?"

"Yes, actually—how'd you know?"

"Uh…eh…you know…ur…um…yeah." Ed coughed. "Anyway, I'd like to see this bar of yours."

Al gasped, obviously thrilled. "R-really?"

"Of course—it IS paying for our food and all…which I will be throwing out momentarily…"

"What was that last part?"

"You're hearing things. So what's the bar called, anyway?"

"'Buns, buns, buns.'"

"…"

"I wouldn't take it personal if you didn't want to go anymore."

"N-no! I'd still like to, uh, check it out. But would you mind _coming_ with me? So, you know, it'd be less…awkward?"

"Sure. But believe me—whether or not you're accompanied, it _will _be awkward. _Very_."

"…Whoopie."

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**A/N**: I'd pick Winry over Hawkeye ANYDAY (yes, I do not like Riza Hawkeye), but yeah. She doesn't go good with Ed OR Al, thus my moderate dislike for her. Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter, where Alphonse shows his lovely older brother his workplace. :3 


	2. the unsuited workplace

**A/N**: Well, I might as well get this over with. xD And yes, I love me some crack fics. And bashing Edward—he's just too easy. ;D To bash, I mean. (AHHHH, ED IS NOT A SLUT.)

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And so, the Elrics set off for Buns, Buns, Buns. It was just a block away, actually—surprisingly, Ed had never seen it before. But then again, Ed never was on the look-out for local tranny bars…unless he was like, wasted or something. 

The bar was like a _rave_. Strobe lights, intense dancing; _glow _sticks…And not even noon! The place was jam-packed with girls dressed as guys, guys dressedas girls…Hell, there was even someone dressed as a _dog_.

Ed followed Al to one of the tables, where the two sat down. Music was booming out of the stereo systems, and Edward could FEEL his eardrums beginning to bleed.

"So…" Ed yelled over the insane techno. "What exactly do you DO here?"

"You know…" Al hollered back. "Serve drinks, DJ; the occasional lap dance…"

"…Don't people realize you're a suit of armor?"

"I tell them I work out."

"…"

"Hey, boys!" a voice said. "Can I get 'cha somethin' to drink?"

Ed, irritated, looked over his shoulder at the figure speaking to them. He squinted his eyes—stockings, mini-skirt, manly thighs, tank top…Along with blotchy lipstick and blush. After a second, Ed could clearly make out his face: hearty, smirking like he ruled the free world—

_Holy shit._

"_Helloooo_?" the man barked, waving a hand in front of Ed's dazed face. "_Earth_ to blond…"

"M…_Mustang_?"

Roy blinked, then beamed. "Oh! Fullmetal! I _knew_ I smelt cabbage!"

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Ed spat; thus the return of the flailing arms. "You're a freakin' COLONEL!"

"Part-times hobs are allowed," Roy snorted, shrugging. "It's not like I'm going against military rules or whatever. And I look hot in tights."

Ed spun around, facing his brother. "Why didn't you tell me about your CO-WORKERS?" he barked, crumbling up the table's pile of complimentary napkins.

"I didn't think it really mattered," came Al's reply. "Like Colonel said, he's not breaking any rules."

"And PLUS," Roy butted in, "this job so OWNS my other job—right in the ass, too. Did'ja know this place covers _dental_?"

Ed twitched. "Ya don't say?"

"Yeah—that's what _I_ said!"

"Jackass."

"Hm…" came another stuck-up voice. "A homo ROUND-UP…Why wasn't _I _invited?"

The three looked up. Crazy hair, slim figure…You guessed it: Envy. He didn't look any different from previous encounters, other than the fact his lips were the color of Armstrong's abs. A busboy tray was tucked under one of his arms.

Ed, for one, wasn't surprised to see him there—but it wasn't until when Envy approached them and wrapped an arm around Roy's shoulder Ed became moderately disturbed.

"En-En!" Roy squealed. "You know Edward, right?"

"Of COURSE he does," Ed hissed. "He's kicked me across the face more than a dozen times!"

"Oh yeah," Envy laughed. "The good old days…"

"_'Good'_…?"

"I'm passed all of that crap, Eddy-boy. Let's call a truce, okay?"

"_What?_ No!"

"Fine, fine. I was lying, anyway, so be thankful I'm not your waiter—I wouldn't spiked your drink…which would've been milk." Envy held up a hand as Ed's mouth opened to protest. "I know you don't like milk; Winry told me. Or at least told _Sloth_ who told _me_…She's a 'customer'…"

"I'm not too stunned."

"Neither were we." Envy then turned to Roy and grinned. "Well, my little horsie, I shall be off; time is money…and money is frequent lap dances." Ed watched in horror as Envy gave Roy a slap across the ass, and pranced into the crowd.

The blond sunk into his seat. "This is just too much…"

"Ya want some beer?" Roy asked. "I won't tell if _you _won't tell."

"No…Just get the hell away from me. Al, let's go." He took his brother by the hand, stomping toward the door.

Roy followed. "W-wait! You didn't pay me! I SPOKE to you! I don't just SPEAK to people! So that's gotta be like, ten bucks, right?"

Ed gave Roy the finger and walked out.

**

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A/N**: PFFT. Just so you know, the next chapter is the last chapter—really, really short fic. I like short fics, though. Also, on a random note, in real life, I've been juggling quite a few Fullmetal Alchemist fics….Only two, actually. Which is a lot to me. One is a crack!fic (naturally) involving the Homunculus, the other a quite serious one, with slight, pretty original crossover (well, it's something I'VE never seen before). Thinking about posting 'em both…Most likely the first one—maybe the second one…_ (contemplates, omg)_

P.S. Roy/Envy seems pretty hot.


	3. and so it ends

**A/N**: Well, _this_ definitely took a while to post. It's strange how when I finally decided to put up the last damn chapter, the site starts screwing up all over me. PSHAW. But like…a lot's been going on lately. I'm a freshmen now. :3 And my friend and I are establishing an anime club at our school, since there isn't one yet. We are totally badass.

Now, on with the crack.

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"Ed!" Al called. "Hold on! Why are you so mad?"

Ed was storming down the street toward the Elric's apartment. Al was sprinting up to him, nearly pouncing on the teenager.

"Why do you THINK I'm mad?" Ed shot, his rage coming to a sudden halt. "That_ job_ of yours…you seem to value it a lot, huh?"

Al blinked. "Yeah, I guess…"

"I suppose I'm not really in the position to judge your…um, antics," Ed said, scratching his head. "I'm not a scholar or anything…"

"Yes you are."

"Well, uh, it's not like I'm sort of 'crime-fighter' person."

"…Yes you are."

"But it's not like I help NUNS, or something."

"_Yes you do_."

"…Well, yeah, so maybe I am in the position to judge, but I won't…'cause I'm cool like that."

Al grinned (…or at least _looked_ like he was grinning), switching to uber-queer mode for mocking purposes. "Okay then, Brother! How 'bout some coffee? LET'SGETSOMECOFFEEOMG. ANDRAINBOWS."

"Please stop…like, now."

The End.

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**A/N**: Thanks for reading. ;D And LMAO—when I saved this document onto my file thing, and only initialed it by every first letter, it spelt STABLU. PFFFFT. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO STAB LULU FROM FINAL FANTASY X, KTHX.


End file.
